On aging and feisty wisdom: Why I broke up with my hairdresser
“I’m telling you for the last time…”
The photo shows me hiding grays with dye and looking unsure of about the whole endeavor.
I was furious as I drove away from the parking lot.
My hairdresser had just dyed my gray hair jet black to disguise my age and make me appear younger. “That’s too much gray hair. We got to fix it,” she said while preparing the hair treatment. Like a compliant and courteous customer, I did not protest and defend myself against the insult. Did she think I was ugly? I let her do it and asked if we could keep some gray on the sides like the Marvel Comics superhero character Dr. Strange. My ambivalence about dyeing my gray hair was starting to come to the fore, but I wasn’t sure how to stop. Hairdressers can play on your vanity and insecurity and keep you coming back. I was getting tired of the harsh chemicals and the expense. Besides that, I wasn’t even sure what my gray hair pattern even looked like since the hairdresser had covered it up the year previous. What exactly was I paying so much money to cover up?
I sat in the chair, as my hairdresser dabbed on the color, and then it happened. She dabbed my Dr. Strange gray sides “by accident.” Oh, man. She tried to undo it, but also said, “Oh, no one sees that part!” I objected and said, “Then, please leave it alone!” The tug-of war between us went on and on, and it did not end well. That was it. I finally got clear in my heart and mind: no more dye. That was the last visit. I paid her, and I never returned. I was angry at myself for giving into this idea that I need to hide my grays and my wrinkles.
Breaking up is hard to do. I had to forge a new relationship with my aging appearance and come to terms with how our youth and beauty obsessed society is not keen on women showing signs of age. Even at age 84+ as I write this blog entry, public figure, longtime government servant, first woman Speaker of the House in the US government and author of The Art of Power, Nancy Pelosi has no gray hair. How is this even possible? The social beliefs about age and being a woman get under your skin and into your hair, especially if you are in the public eye. I have since come to accept my graying hair, though it took a little while for the dye to grow out and for me to change my beliefs about aging and beauty. It helps that other women have been embracing their grays. The gray hair pattern on each person is unique, a part of a person’s individuality and personality. Really and truly, I had to ask myself: Why do you need to hide the fact that you are changing?
The whole hairdresser breakup ordeal made me very aware of my own attitudes about aging and the weird ideas that are out there in our society about aging. Being “too old” is a phrase that has been echoing everywhere in the news coverage of this nation’s current presidential election, and it has not been positive. What a shame that anyone is judged about their age or objectified about their physical appearance or stigmatized because of their life experience and hard won life lessons.
The invitation is clearly to be respectful and open about what the aging process is and how it expresses in each person. Aging is change, and aging can even be a discovery about what is possible for our future selves, if we are open to it. There are so many examples of “super agers” who are happy and healthy people that I know who are finding purpose and satisfaction and even new careers in the later part of life. A very dear friend still rock climbs in his mid-70’s. I have had many clients who were super sharp, still teaching, writing, making art, being wise, happy and doing some kind of meditative movement well into their 90’s. Each is an inspiration to me. Aging can have many expressions, so why not make yours as vigorous and rigorous as possible?
It is a conscious choice and an amazing journey to age courageously.
Beware the weird ideas and social beliefs about aging getting internalized and influencing your thinking and expectations about growing older. Such ideas can lead to dreading the future and make you worried and afraid in the present. In fact, such ideas may keep you from taking action on ordinary health care or even make you hesitate to follow a dream.
Beware the defeatist attitude that aging makes you feeble, useless, and unattractive. Such an attitude can lead to self-loathing, delay healing, and make you sad whenever you feel tired or have aches and pains or any other condition that you unconsciously attribute to aging.
It is a privilege to grow old, and beliefs about aging have a direct impact on how you age and how resilient you are after illness or injury. The scientific research shows this to be true: aging is influenced by the mind-body connection.
“The fact that so many people are getting to experience old age, and doing so in better health, is one of society’s greatest achievements.” – researcher Dr. Becca Levy, PhD, from Yale School of Public Health
Dr. Becca Levy, PhD, author of the book Breaking the Age Code brings her academic research on aging to mainstream audiences and debunks myths about aging that surround us. Read an interview with Dr. Levy from the Yale School of Public Health here.
There is a gap between stereotypes about aging and the scientific facts about healthy aging, and the exciting possibility is to open up to a new narrative about life and what it means to age. Valuing every age and every person is truly worth it.