Whole New Level of Attraction
What the heart knows is represented by a stylized blood cell.
It is Valentine’s Day morning as I write this post. Thoughts of love are in the air, and the whole commercialization of love can be off-putting and a little too much to take in, especially if you are single or if you are experiencing heartbreak of any kind. So, I want to take the opportunity to talk about attraction in way that brings the topic of love and attraction into the realm of what is natural and life-giving.
Love and attraction are about what you feel and what you think. Experiencing attraction is about learning to recognize what is good for you in life.
Attraction and connection are often not just about looks and appearances. As one poet said in conversation, yes, you are beautiful, but your looks are the least interesting thing about you! To loosely quote another poet, Walt Whitman, you contain multitudes. You are a great mystery worth knowing. Of course, you do appreciate the human form and how it appears to you. The human form is beautiful in its imperfections—scars and learning—that serve as personal history filled with unique stories and experiences. Everyone has a story.
What the heart knows
The thing is, attraction can be multifaceted and deep. There are things you find attractive in your friends, your spouse or significant others, and even your pets, that may be hard to pinpoint and put into words. The common element in all these things you find attractive is that you feel these things in your heart.
The heart naturally recognizes many things in life that are life-giving and good, and the energy of attraction expresses this. In Traditional Chinese Medicine, the heart energy can regulate all your energy (brain energy and the energy of all your organs), so it is important to take care of your heart energy by listening to it and getting to know it. For a long time, I felt my own heart was quiet and hardly “said” anything. I feel I had to make an effort to listen. Understanding what you find attractive and whom you are attracted to is a useful way to listen to your heart.
Often it is talented musicians and singers we say are the attractive ones. I think it’s the singing! Think of a singer singing every day and developing the richness and command of their voice. Singing develops your personal energy, because the real you comes out in the sound of your voice. What happens when people see the real and true, natural you? People are attracted to the natural you. Singing every day makes you beautiful and invites beauty into your life. This might explain why singer-songwriter-musician Taylor Swift is so popular right now. It’s the singing. But the point here is that the natural self is, well, naturally attractive to the heart.
As a thought experiment, imagine that you meet someone you find attractive. Your body may experience a physical change like a swoon or a wave of pleasant energy in your heart that makes you smile. Experiencing another level of attraction to that person means you are attracted to their energy. This attraction can take many forms that your heart can sense. For example, you can be attracted to someone’s qualities and actions when you interact with them. As a result, you may consider giving that person non-physical compliments as a way of expressing your appreciation for them. Here are some examples of non-physical things you might find attractive in a person along with some examples of non-physical compliments you might say to them.
When you are attracted to … this… you might say this:
Way of thinking - “I like how you say things!”
Healthy habits - “I always feel encouraged to take care of myself around you.”
Inner peace - “I feel accepted around you.”
Kindness - “The kindness and courtesy you show to the servers in the busy restaurant is beautiful.”
Respectfulness and consideration - “Thank you for listening.”
Sense of humor - “ I like that feeling of lightness around you.”
Willingness to hang in there - “I appreciate the second chance.”
In the relationships that truly nurture and sustain us, there is a feeling of safety that allows you to be who you are. Each time you relax into your natural self (perhaps by breathing and moving consciously), you may experience a quiet mind and body. Relaxing into your natural self can show up in the world as confidence, which is attractive to others. But more importantly, relaxing into your natural self can give others permission to relax into theirs. When you relax into your natural self, your heart may have a feeling of coherence and well-being. (In recent years, cardiac coherence is a scientific measurement of what is called psychosocial well-being, or what you might call relationship with self and others.)
As part of the interactive flow of relationship, you might also express yourself through actions and words around the people you are attracted to, to nurture and grow the relationship. This is about feeling attraction, and then taking action to make small but meaningful bids for connection. This way, you can consciously cultivate a healthy relationship that features natural give and take. Below are some examples.
Building a stronger heart connection with others
You might do something like this and say something like this to build a stronger heart connection with others:
You listen to them. – So you may say: “Tell me more.”
You make an effort to understand and be patient with them. – You may occasionally ask: “Do I hear you right?”
You check in and ask rather than assume things. – You ask questions such as: “Are you free right now?” or “Are you interested in this?”
You communicate with them as needed/regularly with little courtesies. –These may be little phrases you exchange with them: “no, I would rather not” or “got your message” or “running late” or “sorry I hurt your feelings” or “thank you” or “yes!”
You find interesting things, not boring things, to share with them and make sure that you share crackling in-the-moment real aliveness with them. –You say things that you both can relate to: “This reminds me of the time you invented basketball or thought you did.”
You become curious about that person as a being with unique thoughts, perspectives, feelings and experiences. – You may say: “I learn so much from our conversations about what is important in life.”
From what starts as simple feelings of attraction, a true connection is possible. The sweetness of life is often in the connection with others. Others are not necessarily romantic partners, but the quality of the energy of interactions is what matters. This connection you have with others, with life, and with yourself, can be nurtured, renewed, and cherished by things you say and do. The encouragement from the Daoist teachings is for you to bring the love of nature into the way you speak with others and into the way you interact with them, which means actively perceiving that the person you are interacting with is a natural being like a tree or a magnificent bird, a magnificent being that you can get to know patiently over time. You are part of nature also, so this includes applying these relationship skills with yourself and noticing and maybe adjusting how you listen and speak to yourself and how you treat yourself. You can recognize natural life-giving energy and how it flows. Taking steps to arrange your life so that you are close to this energy is part of mind-body practice. Your heart senses these things and is attracted to these things. Each time you listen to your heart, it may become a little easier to express your natural self in the world and appreciate and recognize nature everywhere—in other people, in events, in things, and in yourself.